How to Support Others
If someone who has experienced sexual assault or interpersonal violence chooses to tell someone about their experience, a majority of students will disclose to a close friend first. The support a survivor receives in the aftermath can make all of the difference in their recovery and healing. If you have a friend who has trusted you by sharing what happened to them, here are some things to keep in mind.
1. Stay calm.
2. Avoid victim blaming.
3. Believe them.
4. Listen.
5. Validate their feelings
6. Let them take the lead.
7. Get help for yourself.
It can be a very difficult experience when someone discloses a sexual assault or rape. However, knowing how you can be supportive can be critical in a survivor’s healing process. The key to helping a friend or someone you know who has been sexually assaulted is to be informed on how you can support the survivor and the importance of taking care of yourself.
According to the CDC, over half of women and almost one in three men have experienced sexual violence involving physical contact during their lifetimes. Find out more about the statistics here (https://www.cdc.gov/sexual-violence/about/index.html). Sexual violence is prevalent among college students – young adults between ages 18-34 experiencing the highest risk for sexual assault and interpersonal violence, accounting for 54% of all cases reported (RAINN, 2022) .
Start by believing the survivor.
- Make the environment comfortable.
- Acknowledge that revealing this personal and devastating experience takes a great deal of strength and courage. Remember that NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ASSAULTED. Remind the survivor that the assault was not their fault and they did not do anything to “cause” it.
Be a good listener.
Recovering from a sexual assault can take a long time. The survivor may need your support now and in the future. Let the survivor choose when they want to talk and how much they want to share. Sometimes the survivor may not want to talk at all. When the survivor does choose to talk to you, the following are things to keep in mind. Allow them to talk as much or as little as they need.
- DO concentrate on understanding the survivor’s feelings
- DO allow silences
- DO let the survivor know you are glad they told you
- DON’T interrogate or ask for specific details about the sexual assault
- DON’T ask “why” questions such as “why did you go there?”, “are you sure?” or “why didn’t you scream?”
- DON’T tell them what you would have done or what they should have done or what you think they NEED to do now.
Encourage the survivor to seek counseling and post-trauma services. Find your own support. As a secondary survivor, you may also be affected. If you would like to speak with someone on campus about being a secondary survivor, contact RSVP at 706-542-SAFE (7233).
Be willing to say nothing. If you don’t know what to say, that’s okay. The most powerful statement a friend can make is by simply being there, not trying to fix everything or pretending it’s okay. Silence often says more than words.
Don’t assume they do/do not want to be touched. Some people can’t stand a hug at this point and need space. Others might need to be held by a loved one more than anything else right now.
Don’t try to solve all of their problems for them. They have had their control taken away during this experience and it is important to avoid doing that again.
Don’t assume you know how the survivor feels. Making statements such as “it’s ok” or “you’re going to be fine” may serve to minimize the survivor’s feelings and downplay the seriousness of the violence. Even if you have had a similar experience in the past, keep in mind that this might not be the time to bring that up.
Don’t allow assumptions or myths to affect how you perceive the survivor.
It can be hard to know what to do to help a friend or family member who is a survivor of sexual violence.
What to say to a survivor:
- I’m sorry this happened to you.
- I’m concerned about you.
- It wasn’t your fault.
- Thank you for telling me.
- There are people who can help you.
- Can I do anything for you?
What NEVER to say to a survivor:
- It was your fault.
- You could have avoided it had you ______.
- It’s been so long! Get over it!
- You wanted it. / You were asking for it.
- I don’t believe you.
- It’s not that big of deal; it happens to lots of people.
The following behaviors can be symptoms following a traumatic experience:
- Academic performance concerns, uncharacteristic changes
- Declining grades or reduced class participation
- Incomplete or missing assignments
- Repeated requests for extensions, incompletes, or withdrawals
- Increased absenteeism or tardiness
- Disruptive classroom behavior
- Apparent memory loss or difficulty concentrating
- Cheating, rule breaking, or defiance
- Poor organization skills or trouble with note taking
- Bizarre, aggressive or morbid comments or written content
- Expressions of feeling hopeless, helpless, guilty and/or worthless
- Self-injury or other self-destructive behavior
- Chronic fatigue, falling asleep in class
- Symptoms of being easily distracted, “spacey,” or a tendency to daydream
- Nervousness or tearfulness
- Marked changes in regular habits or activities
- Significant weight gain or loss
- Signs of intoxication, dilated or constricted pupils, or apparent hangovers
- Poor or declining physical appearance, hygiene, and grooming
- Hyperactivity or rapid, pressured speech
- Extreme boredom, negativism, defensiveness, and secretiveness
- Comments by others about alcohol or drug use
- Erratic behavior, sudden mood swings, inappropriate anger, hostility, and irritability
- Hyper-expansiveness or grandiosity
- Withdrawal from others or loss of pleasure in everyday activities
- Talk of suicide or harm to self or others